| = such | Corina Gina Papouis [26.Aug.09 16:06] |
| '..a beautiful death' It's a beautiful poem but I think the first and the last lines give the 'game' away too easily.:) I would have left the reader hungry for more...and maybe would have used it as a title: living such a beautiful death. of course, a humble opinion... regards, Corina | |
| = A rhytmic and obsessed poem- | John Willy Kopperud [26.Aug.09 17:08] |
| -which is fine and dandy with me. I do support Corina's view, seeing that the insistent rhythm is rather strengthened by using "I am living such a beautiful death" as a title "Since you've been gone" as a subtitle and repeating it as last line. Cheers from Willy | |
| = self-inflicting | Veronica Valeanu [04.Sep.09 14:20] |
| Horia, the effect you wanted to convey is diluted. you know the lines are overcharged with the traces&that static. the first line is useless there since you wanted to keep it as a conclusion. [the pavement screams your name with every step] is soo far-fetched. try to eliminate the unnecessary stuff and diminish the exaggeration of a mellow mood. V.v. | |