| + if you throw out the ashes there is real fire underneath | ion a [01.May.10 07:15] |
| very interesting how the whole poem hangs from the last two verses, trying to siphon some of their alchemy. or maybe is the reverse process, you warm up in two full stanzas then burn everything in the last two verses and keep the ashes. myself, i would prefer 2 or 3 introductory verses, not necessarily as powerful as the last two but avoiding expectations. i’m not even sure this should be a love poem although it might, if you handle it carefully. "life splashing green/ no sky/ no escape/ at the edge of your blind fingers/ a useless window". to keep the original meaning, i guess you might be able to insert a couple of more verses after "no escape" either way, the last two are just too good to ignore | |
| = Thanks for the star, Ion. My cloudy sky gets brighter. | Ada Ionescu [31.Aug.10 21:08] |
| Thank you so much, Ion! Fire, endeed. But will keep that secret, won't we? I'll take your comments into account. I'm extremely sorry for my excessive late reply! I'll be waiting you back, again, on my page and I hope you won't be waisting your time. My best regards. Ada | |