| = what | Veronica Valeanu [19.Mar.11 14:03] |
| the idea of taming is one offering large ranges of great potential in nowadays poetry, starting from a lower level of metaphor, -discourse cliches, attitude cliches - up to refined ones, filtration of raw emotion. in this context, the message and the discourse stopped at the handiest point. even the title suggests youhaven't done too much to save this text. you know you still can improve it. | |
| = * | Dely Cristian Marian [20.Mar.11 10:52] |
| i will work on it. thank you! | |
| = water sky and soul | Veronica Valeanu [24.Mar.11 09:11] |
| it is better now. especially the end. i see that you kept that funny image with the wisdom tooth and titanic - well it sounds childish! let's think what we could do with [i've thrown my wisdom tooth into the ocean and prayed icy sharks shall never bite another titanic where distant waves ply my skiff i dare clinching the full moon when earth invites two stars to raise their flames as one no gloom will threaten the sky as long as the waning path binds and reveals promises this heart is just a sample of the universe yet keep forgeting what a kiss is made of and simper hope the ark will glimpse one day i should be harbored ] we could give the ideas flow and strength- ocean waves ply my skiff i dare clinch the full moon the earth invites titanic stars to raise their flames as one no gloom will threaten the sky but down this shark path bites heart promises for their sample flesh hope the ark will glimpse one day i should be harbored - this way the essential was preserved and we can make room for the sensations to fill the reader like a kind of water -hope you like it | |
| = sorry, | Dely Cristian Marian [24.Mar.11 21:21] |
| i don't like your version. and this also implies my message has failed. hopefully, only for some readers. else, i don't mind being childish. the lyrics were meant to heal some. thank you. cheers! | |
| = . | Veronica Valeanu [24.Mar.11 21:31] |
| it was just a matter of what a reader saw in and beyond your text. I didn't put that [childish] tag on you, but on the image/effect of the text. | |