Members comments:

 =  Hemingway
James A Williams
[15.Jan.12 18:22]
This is a good start. Please do rid it of your abbreviations, they just don't work, though I'm sure you did it on purpose. Believe me, though a writer of prose, I've tried many things that didn't work.

You need to revise this again and again, that is that nature of writing. To quote Ernest Hemingway, "The first draft of anything is shit."

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