| = General comments | James A Williams [15.Feb.12 16:17] |
| I want to come back to this and give you a complete critique. (I'm off to work in a few minutes.) This seems a discourse on the God/Man coming to die for us in all its ghastly pontification. (Not yours, the churches.) I am not a religious person, though I spend a significant amount of time informing myself on the various strains of the virus we find in different societies and cultures around the world. I think it is well written but needs some minor tweaking here and there. (I will add my thoughts on those parts in another comment.) Understand that I have read all of your stories and seen the evolution of your English for the better. I like to see people learn, and English is a wacky, crazy language to master. Just ask a native speaker like myself! My second language is Spanish… simple to learn by comparison I think. Until I have more time……… jaw | |
| = Thank you | diana vlase [15.Feb.12 21:59] |
| Thank you for reading my texts and for taking the time to write the comments. Looking forward to reading the full critique. Diana | |
| = Hi again Diana | James A Williams [17.Feb.12 07:16] |
| I did promise you a full critique, which I will now render. Sorry I didn't get back yesterday, I had 'writer's group.' Critiquing by my peers. Many of the them also published writers. :) I have seen your English become more fluent over slightly more than a year A difficult task of which you should feel proud, and I am impressed. It seems from the text, that the praying room is located inside or very close to the stable (or wherever the sow gave birth, which feels odd. This would be a good spot to clarify if that is the case or the women went to where the pig was. "They killed cows and burned them on the open fields," Should be …in the open fields… "But an old woman, all dressed in black was coming their way." Delete "all," that is fine in colloquial speech, but not in prose. Another technicality is your use of quotation marks. "example" is the proper usage. The single quotation marks 'example' are used for quotations or dialogue within quotation marks. Having said that, some notable writers will write dialogue thus. —You must be joking. —Not at all! Ernest Hemingway wrote The Old Man and the Sea in this fashion. You write- "People were getting their pigs ready for the Thursday slaughter. By Friday the village would smell of blood, roast pork, sausages and meat rolls, goodies for Christmas Day." I would change the word 'goodies,' as it is fine for informal speech or even in dialogue, depending on the character, but is not suitable here. Try 'treats,' or a similar synonym. "Her dear Momot, her baby, not only dead, but cooked, naked, her poor baby, naked on a silver plateau!" Should read 'platter?' ¿Rather than plateau? A well written, provocative short. I liked it and have seen few stories better even from writers whose mother tongue is English. Keep them coming girl! jaw | |
| = :) | diana vlase [17.Feb.12 16:47] |
| The critique is most welcomed, as my friends usually manage me in this perspective and they '...well, You can say it like that too!' which is not necessary true. I hope that with exercise I will improve to that point when I can sit and start writing for my novel. But not yet, not yet... | |
| = Novel | James A Williams [23.Feb.12 14:58] |
| If you do write the great British novel let me peek at it! jaw | |