| = ! | Marius Surleac [02.Dec.08 19:37] |
| I think there should be "my car's blunt flashlights". Anyhow, I like the imagery you wanted to provoke. Best wishes, Marius | |
| = Onset of darkness. | Ada Ionescu [02.Dec.08 20:21] |
| Well, your suggestion also was my first option, but afterwards I decided to drop the “-s” and implicitly the saxon genitive. It seemed to me that the alternative (“car flashlights” and the interposed “blunt” – the term I think is asking for the synthetic genitive and generating the problem) sounded better, although I realized the first version was (probably) more coherent, logically speaking. I will think about and… I’ll make the required change. From what I know the last version is not a incorrect one... :) Anyway, I think that maybe it isn’t all that bad considering that this is my first haiku... Maybe I’ll do better with the next one. :( Thank you for your time. | |
| = ! | Marius Surleac [02.Dec.08 20:36] |
| Ok, but I have to say that isn't really a haiku. There are straight rules that need to be respected. Ask me to send you a Romanian link that might help you with the haiku rules | |
| = I thought I knew the rules... | Ada Ionescu [02.Dec.08 21:34] |
| I thought I knew the rules (5+7+5, definition, preferably no verb, image generator). :(( It seems I'm such a mess! So... send me the link. Althought I might have read that information, but... I simply went wrong. | |
| = Although. | Ada Ionescu [02.Dec.08 21:39] |
| "Although" not "althought". One mistake follows another. :( | |
| = ! | Marius Surleac [02.Dec.08 21:41] |
| It is almost a haiku - would be better for the first person "my" to be cut off from the first verse. A kigo would help and a hyphen would be good after the first or the second line. Best wishes, Marius | |
| = This is a piece with some fine imagery! | John Willy Kopperud [02.Dec.08 21:46] |
| I pondered upon that first line and after a while I thought; well, what if the blunt flashlights is the very asset that CONSTITUTES the car within this frame? - Just a thought. Cheers from Willy | |
| = Thank you, Willy! Thank you, Marius! | Ada Ionescu [03.Dec.08 10:10] |
| Willy, it seems that you always manage to visualise my thoughts and find the thread to some ideal understanding of the lines. Yes, "my car" was "within a frame". :) My regards! Marius, I think I'll leave this poem the way it is - I'll consider it some stubborn incontinent runnaway child of mine... :) . The next days I'll try to write something else, hopefully some improved lines. Thank you both for the reaction and help! Ada | |
| = Thank you, Willy! Thank you, Marius! | Ada Ionescu [02.Dec.08 22:28] |
| Willy, it seems that you always manage to find the thread to some ideal understanding of my thoughts. Yes, "my car" was "within a frame". :) Thank you for reading, Willy! My regards! Marius, I'll leave this poem the way it is and... I'll consider it a stubborn, incontinent runnaway child of mine. :) Instead, the next days maybe I'll write something else, hopefully some improved lines. Thank you both for your reactions and help! Ada | |
| = Marius, I thought about your suggestions... | Ada Ionescu [03.Dec.08 10:10] |
| Good morning, Marius. I thought about your advice and made some small changes. About the "kigo"... Well, I thought that "blunt" itself is an inherent suggestion of autumn: the flashlights are blunt because they are "polished" by the chill and heavy mist. Anyway, now I realise that maybe my "vision" wasn't "translated" explicitly enough. Thanks again. Ada | |