Tell me why do I cry when you are not here?
The pain… I told you that I have always felt pain. All my life I have been hurt by different people or different situations. I have cried and the pain was sometimes so hard to take that I went to ultimate solutions. I wanted to die because the pain of being hurt by others was so powerful. I wanted to disappear and breathe without feeling that pain.
But this pain is different. It’s the first time in my life that I love the pain that I am feeling. It’s the pain that reminds me the love that I have for you. And I am listening to a sad song baby, just like the ones you like so much. You sent it… Antologia…
And I am crying because I feel all this pain again, being away from you, so far away. But I learned what love is only because of you. And if loving you means that I have to feel this wonderful pain in my heart all the time that I am far away then I will carry it gladly. This time I don’t want to run away anymore, I don’t need any excuses to want to die… I only want to live, to share with you all the love that grows deep in my heart.
I always say that we have the next 60 years my love… but how I wish these years I would not have to feel this beautiful pain anymore, I wish I could be always by your side.
You told me that counting the days until I come back to you doesn’t help. Well baby, counting the seconds it’s not easier, but I bite my lips and take deep breaths and continue to do it.
I am always happy and strong. This is what you told me. But do you know that I wake up and reach for you? Do you know that I am crying now because the pain is too big? Do you know that nothing ever in my life hurt the way this pain of love does?
I will never be able to live my life without you. Not now that I finally have you. I can’t imagine that. If you would ever decide you don’t want me anymore I would probably come and sit in front of your house begging to let me in.
I told you that you are healing me. You are. And I never thought that I will say this, but the wounds that others left in me are healed with pain…. a sweet pain, a pain that surrounds me and makes my heart beat stronger so that the sound can travel the distance and reach you to remind you that I exist. I was born the day you were walking towards me. And you finally found me. Now don’t let me go.
Why do you want to silence the pain you feel? That pain is there to reach my pain. Our hearts were two, our lives were two and our pains were two. Not anymore.
All I need is your love. If your loves comes with all this pain of love, of being away, of reaching for you, of breathing only the air, of hearing only the silence, then I will take it. I will accept it. I will continue to wake up reaching for you, wanting to feel your touch, wanting to smell your body, wanting to kiss your warm skin. I will do that, and I will keep them in my heart until I will be able to feel your love with all of my senses.


For J.

19 Jan 2008