Sometimes I think back and can’t understand what happened…

I just wish I could turn back time… But that’s impossible, right? And if I would turn it back what would I change? Everything? No…Then what? Would it make any difference now if I would of done things differently? Probably not. But does anyone besides me care about this? Of course not… And that’s kind of sad…

Should I change something about me, about how I am, about who I am?

Sometimes I think that everything happens because of what I do, or how I act, or think, or… I don’t know…

I just wanted to… What I wanted? Just to have someone to love… someone to whom I could share my feelings, my thoughts… someone in whose arms I could find my peace… someone who could just hold me without saying anything, whose heart beats I can listen, in whose eyes I can drown… Someone with whom I can learn to love, to cherish every second, to hear the silence, to stop the time, to kiss in the middle of a hot summer rain, to talk for hours, to play silly games, to walk trough the forest, to trundle in the snow…

And sometimes I got the feeling that I found HIM… But I’m always wrong… I find just a little part of him… His gentle smile here… His tender touch there… His passionate kiss somewhere else…

But that’s not him… It’s just another guy in whose life I’ll make a little difference or not… someone who maybe liked me just for how I looked – so I walked away… Or because he thought he could have me for a few nights – but then he found out that he can’t so he left… or because he fell in love with my smile or my eyes – he didn’t care about the rest so I smiled sadly and moved on… or because I resemble a girl he loved some time ago (or still does) – he didn’t spent his time in knowing me and the things that make me distinctive and preferred to go away, so I remained alone with sorrowfulness in my heart… or…God knows why!

And I’m so tired of this… Tired of running, of crying… Tired of searching something that sometimes I don’t even know if I’ll ever find… Tired of this world towered by eagerness and pleasure! Tired… So tired…

And sometimes I’d like to drown my sorrow in a glass of wine, or two, or three … Till I forget who I am, where I am or what I’m living for… Till I forget all my past, don’t give a shit about my future and can’t distinguish the present and the reality from the madness in my mind… But I don’t… Who knows why? Like it would matter…

And so my life goes on… And I’m trying to smile every morning hoping that it represents a new beginning, another chance to get closer to my dreams… Another chance to forget about the feelings that I still have for someone, feelings that trail away sometimes but never disappear completely, torturing my heart deep inside. Another failure… Does he know about this? Maybe… Does he care? Don’t know… Maybe not… But that still doesn’t change anything… I doubt he’ll ever have a place in his heart for me…

So… It’s just me again… just me and my endless thoughts, my unrequited feelings, my impossible dreams and foolish expectations…

And yes…the music and my writing… the only way that I can express all my thoughts, my dreams, my feelings… The only way I can drown my sorrow.