I wish I could stop.
Stop the hating.

Stop it with the small blur of my hand.
Stop it with the small sway ofmy eyes...
just stop it.

Stop hating. Stopaching. Stop hating.

Forget everything, and for once,stop hating. Stop feeling this dread to everything that moves. Stop thehatred because I constantly think I'm not good enough, clean enough, charming enough, strong enough.
My body aches in agony as the hate and the 'NO, IT IS NOT RIGHT!!! TRY IT AGAIN, AND THIS TIME, GET IT RIGHT!!!' destroys my mental health.

I fear that rage. It is pure rage that boils within my veins. I only want to explode, to scream over and over and over until my head explodes and my body stops feeling any warmth.
I just want it to stop -forever, not for a while. To be a pulse that stops everything dead cold.

Something inside me is built so I can't stop hating... because a wall I feel whenever I try to stop. I hate his hands over me, I hate his voice over me, I hate his touch over me, it disgusts me.

And all I can feel is hate.

When I pass by beautiful flowers, beautiful laughters, and I growl, I feel ashamed. I feel so ugly, because my pain is unstoppable... because I am not ready yet.

I want it to stop. Please, can you invoque an angel that makes it stop?
I want to go to sleep and wake up and not, DO NOT feel this dread toward life.
My heart is fractured.
I want it to be whole again... and I try hard, but I'm not suceeding.
I want somebody to help me. Anybody.
Anybody with a good intention. I don't want lovers, I don't want atractions... maybe that's why I'm not getting no one near, because I'm loathing it... I... I just one someone who loves the real Spirit within me, not Myself.

I'm a beggar in the road trying to get up and stop crawling.
I remember a time where I could cry more freely, and now, all this thoughts, stupid thoughts, of an adult and what is not supossed to do...
I HATE THEM.
I WANT MY FREEDOM BACK.
I WANT MY CARELESSNESS BACK.
I MISS IT. I WANT IT!!!

I WANT MY LOVE BACK.
I NEED TO BE LOVED. I WILL PUT DOWN THE SWORD, ONE MORE TIME. AND I WILL BREATHE SLOWLY AND SLEEP EARLIER ONE MORE TIME. I WANT TO WAKE UP TO LIFE AGAIN, FINALLY, FAITHFULLY.

I don't want to grow up if it means lying always about your feelings. I don't want to grow up if it means doing things you hate because everyone else does them. I don't want to grow up if I feel that I want to be a kid, to feel like a kid, to smile like a kid and someone thinks I'm a fucking freak.

How about you? Are you willing to fight to a no-grow-up stand?

Lemme know.