I’m not myself, but the one in front of me, on my left or right side and even behind my shadow. Empathy has begun to leave its print on my face more than ever. For a few days now I saw myself through someone’s eyes as this way too silly individual who’s just acting weird or maybe showing her true self. But it wasn’t me. I swear! Could realize each mistake, still wasn’t allowed to forfeit them till they’d disappear. It didn’t seem awkward. ~thinking~ yes, it did! I was just caring, trying like always to make you smile, this taking “be a child” role.

However, a couple of nights ago someone surprised due to one action. I thought that words were meant to sit silent or die the moment they were said. Yet, passing it on got my head thinking: what else wasn’t I supposed to confess to someone who was and is a friend of mine? Keep my confidence up through the explanation I am to give today( let it be just between us). I wish you were here to look into my eyes. Angry and blurred, first phase.

Second step, confused and trapped inside your everything. If hearts were not meant to beat the same then why are they? How come after I proved to myself that the truth was starring into my face, I got an unbreakable answer?

Third stage, why does anyone embrace a moody attitude? Defence? If so, then what from? It was just me and you, wasn’t that supposed to mean something as in safeness and total confidence like always? A cliché, me, my way of being due to the simple fact that my essence is clear in your eyes’ mirror. Psychically, I cannot find a word to describe what… everything…how… I’m changed. Physically, I’m someone else? You tell me who when you stare from the other side of the road: “What did you do?”

But all these moods of mine, not yours let their strong defence down that moment when I either become the biggest child ever left out in the open for you to protégé and to arise a true smile on your face or a melancholic grown-up asking: “what?”

I didn’t know what to do; I’m not weak but anxious while waiting for a closed action. I don’t understand and you wouldn’t speak on your own, blind soul. You’re not looking for me, yet that’s what you’re making me believe. I’d just lay down like someone saw someday and fly with the flow, spreading my wings towards each side of yours. What would you have done in my place?

Incomplete circle as he’s fallen already towards me, I have fallen near you, where have you found warmth? Some actions say we can see a perfect spot, and nonetheless your unspoken lines, still what I read breaks everything only to revive my soul again without knowing…in a red room.

I’m not looking for continuous past truths, but awareness of what I know, you as well, understanding of the fact that I have never hurt intentionally… just want to see a true smile and at this point it seems as fake as mine…sometimes.

Confused is the word. Cannot stop thinking. What now?


Looking from above: “This is silly, go to sleep already. You’re not yourself”

-Where’s you, the me in you?

-You’re sleeping and I’m breathing heavily wondering.

-Things I’m expecting you to do don’t become more than expectations while I do my best, without any control over my actions, not to disappoint.

-If you don’t find comfort in me, what’s my role then again?

-Why can’t we find the same level of being and always oscillating like that?

Wednesday, 07 November 2007

12:33:01