I don’t know exactly why I am writing all of these. I already confessed that I don’t know how to write about happiness… I just don’t know how, I have never felt it before. All my life I have been writing about pain and suffering.
Do you know what? All these feelings are still deep inside. But somehow they just don’t come to the surface that often, they don’t drown me, they don’t keep me with my head upside down. The power of the earth laughing at my pain is dissipating, the crazy nature is still fighting me but this time I am the one that is laughing, I am laughing as a mad woman, I am laughing but tears fill my eyes.
Why am I crazy my dear world. You gave me life and gave me pain, you made me bleed and you made me tie my wounds and bite my lips in silence. I never complained, I always thought that I deserved it… you know it… I was just breathing not to die… waiting for the happy end, my own personal end, the one in which I die and I can fly over the people in my life and look at them and see that maybe they did care. Even dead I would still hope that someone had to see me while being alive. That I made an impact in their lives, at least the size of a needle hole, the needle that goes through the skin and makes you bleed, the one that give you pain and anger and disappointment. A bad impact but at least a sign, a mark, a word, a tear.
Now I still cry during my dreams. And all the scars still take over my soul.
Yes I can shout that I am happy, but why is all the inside peace coming only when he holds me, when I feel that warm feeling deep inside my heart and brain? What did he change in my atoms or pores that makes this cloudy, foggy, pain reliever, drop of love fall exactly on the open wounds and close them one by one?
I somehow wonder. Why do I think of him and the imense feelings that I feel inside just make my eyes paintfully filled with tears that just burn… I want to cry but not because I am in pain, not anymore. I want to cry because he is not looking into my soul right now, and still he makes me take deeper breaths and spins my mind.
You see, somehow I came back to talking about the pain. Somehow the pain just doesn’t let me breath enough. The memories, the treatments, the vulnerability, the God himself not looking, the nature looking away, the eye of the people staying closed.
Someday… I don’t wonder anymore. I know. I know someday the pain will fade away.


15 Jan 2008