Therapy. I believe it can help for I've been extremely stressful about many incidents and kept letting some bother me, but could not point them exactly, I might after this succeed, hope so. Maybe I'll even show someone what I wrote to understand my way of thinking and see whether that person is willing to accept me as I am; help if saying that caring is not a matter of question.

I'm being as objective as possible, not trying to look for excuses as why I did or said something. Just presenting facts as they are, as they are seen by a hidden me versus my outside persona. Therefore, this is plain and clear-cut, in order to expose myself to...myself and draw some conclusions about...me.

It's not about whose fault it is, but simple facts that turn complicated from my point of view, which may or may not be right, however that's how I see things. I wish I could turn the wrong into something good, but that requires some assistance from someone whom I don’t know whether will do as said, old times: anything for you.

Enough with the introduction. Let me point out some details.

I might cause difficulties when it comes to a straightforward thing but I can't help it, I tend to split everything in pieces to understand it all; however that takes place only when I care a great deal, maybe too much for someone. The moment I need to know something, I decipher ways to get everything out in the open and when I can't...it burns inside until I am not able to take it anymore, thus my behaviour being out of the ordinary, for the others, still plausible for me. ( tip: after some time, I get back to what I said or did and about half of them seem stupid :“How could I…?”).

Everyone desire to know whether someone really loves them, cares for them or not. I find myself in phases when I get over many incidents and let the river flow as usual. However there are days when I analyse each look, word, touch, action, thought of an individual. And those are the times that bestows dilemmas because I seem to be disappointed by what I perceive, hear; my heart sees more than my eyes, thus perplexes me: “How come a month ago it was like this, and now it’s like this? What the heck distorted?”. Answer? Often the person, often my standpoint, my weird way of stretching everything to its utmost limit. But that’s when I require, urge for a confirmation of what it was said in the past and is not present that second, or I see it differently, in a worse situation. For example, if you told me sometimes” I love you!”, then that is the moment when you should prove it once again. Still not out of obligation, I mean, I make others understand how much I love them as I get a chance; and that’s why I think I get into these phases, cause people stop proving things they uttered and maybe utter. When it comes to caring, love, I long for the same”recognition” that I put forward (thought: people, erase superficiality).

I remembered something else. For instance, now I’m on a step where I have to suppress my saying:”I missed you”; my action: “big, warm hug” (I don’t know why, but one yesterday appeared so fake in my view and that’s something I don’t want to discern again); my way of looking: “soft and loving”, due to someone’s distant stare that might be true (fading of affection), or just a huge ego present. I don’t know what to consider, what that individual is thinking. I mean, without taking into consideration that “damaging” craze about me, the friendship part is underneath an angry ocean. I’ve been trying to get an answer that showed you wanted to truly embrace me too, look into your eyes and see a glance of that individual I care for a lot, vice-versa. I would immediately say goodbye to my ego in front of you, but for the first time I’m afraid you would judge me, nonetheless if I were to do that and not get the same reaction from your behalf, then I’d feel out in the open, fragile and scared you would get rid of my smile in a second. And I repeat, I don’t want to undergo that, but my thoughts overwhelm me and even though, for example, you had been the weakest person alive, you could have put me down ( in any situation similar).

I’m looking for sincerity in anyone who wants to get close to me, thus I accentuate a lot the invisible part of a human, the feelings. My last plead in this writing, I accept a “no” answer (you don’t want to... something that connects you to me), but not silence. I hate quietness, cause then my mind starts moving from one drawer to another, not a good time. I imagine, presume things, and explore each possibility; however they all seem to go towards the pessimistic part. Don’t tell me to change, ‘cause each time I try not to get into the “emo” mood, but I don’t succeed. That’s how I am and I know it’s much to ask, maybe I even shouldn’t… still, could you be a little careful with me? I’m pretty sensitive. In those times, I search for answers that confirm or contradict my “solutions” to a query. I know why I get there: because I keep little things inside, plus others do stuff that get me further from their once, let’s say, “I miss you” sentence. The small crazes get bigger and bigger; some know about the “nothingness “part which craves for words in my head and don’t take it into consideration, so what should I think then?

I can go to appalling extremes sometimes. I either do not talk to anyone, consequently do not hear people’s silent cry for help; yes even of the ones closest to me, or focus on one single matter and distinguish nothing else, but… This too gets me in a bad position as I steal time from “me and my friends”; moreover start crying each time something reminds me of the problem (I urge to figure out). There are moments when I don’t know what I’m doing, when my head is exploding and my behaviour is out of the ordinary…when I just want to disappear and not make others feel weird in my presence. In the middle is where I’d like to be all the time. On that central step I offer my assistance in any way that I can to my buddies, do everything I have to for myself and concentrate on what matters. However, a… crossroad follows me here too for any instability can lead to extremes again. I feel the necessity to know I am helping as much as possible a friend in need (the happier you are the better). When I see someone, especially you, that you’re sad, angry, at a loss, anything but smiley and not accept my help (a talk, hug, understanding…) I get in an awkward mood. I can’t stop thinking about solutions, how to make you better, what to do or say (even though you don’t respond) to unveil a shinier world before you. Another road leads to accentuated “useless” true conception when I read: “I don’t need you anymore” as a photo description, or line in a status, right after a day when I was not allowed to help you. I know there’s a chance it does not refer to me, but it still hurts like hell, a lightning goes through all of my body and doesn’t let me close an eye 1/3 of the following night.

When I’m on the point of cracking, no extremes involved, I cannot stay between four walls or else I cry non stop. That moment many friends of mine are called by this curly-haired, blue-eyed girl, either to talk about the problem or to ask them how they are so that my mind could get in another territory. When it comes to you, you’re the only one who can help me... when it comes to you… a true hug is enough… when it comes to you… I need answers, your time, exactly when I’m not ok and then everything is back on track, just like that, for a long time. Yet, in the past 2 months, I could say, I didn’t get a chance to heal at the right moment, thus the hurting got bigger and bigger. I confronted many conversations inside my head, illusory of course, but they made me keep everything for myself, considering you would not desire to lend a hand… in time. I might have been erroneous or not as I based my “arguments” on real, split in many pieces words, actions, and feedbacks. I meditated on things too much. Seldom do that, as I’ve said before.

Forgive and forget. I tend to not let go of the past, especially sweet, perfect adventures with people. All I have to say about this aspect is that when it comes to forgiving someone I care for a lot, I get back into a long-forgotten land where things were going from good to excellent, and thus get over any ache unleashed in the present. Sometimes that’s a mistake. In one case especially… I gave him some chances… he unwrapped the gifts and we took the whole lot from where we left it, but got worse on the way. Now and again that’s not a gaffe…and that individual proves you made a good decision.

I’m a difficult individual, but if I could multiply myself, I’d know how to handle myself for empathy is more than always nearby in my life. Maybe the impossibility of this happening disappoints me when others are involved. (The more insightful you are, keen to help and let yourself be helped, the better in my life. Little things…they matter so much).That’s why I can understand many aspects, am able to aid you, get into conversations which for others have no meaning whatsoever and I can still draw conclusions. However, I am more than conscious that I don’t constantly realize the direction in which some are heading…. Everyone has dual sides, although that doesn’t tell you what I can and cannot comprehend, so don’t hesitate to ask for my protection.

I rarely say what I want because there’s a chance the other will do that just cause I said to, unreal. But, ask me whether I’m true (I desire your smile to be always present…)? If I say yes, then believe this: anything you ask me to do for you shall not be out of a sense of obligation. Oh, I occasionally borrow my child suit to make you happy, forgive me if it’s too silly from time to time.

Certain situations bring me face to face with “I see only what I want to see”. Although I take into consideration what my friends are telling me, I still take a decision by following my instincts or my heart. Bad and good aspect altogether. It depends on the situation.

This is it, I’ve no idea what else to mention, at this point. I might have forgotten certain things, sure I did…


Saturday, 02 February 2008

07:09:59