The piano has been drinking
My necktie is asleep
And the combo went back to new york
The jukebox has to take a leak
And the carpet needs a haircut
And the spotlight looks like a prison break
'Cause the telephone's out of cigarettes
And the balcony's on the make
And the piano has been drinking
The piano has been drinking...

And the menus are all freezing
And the lightman's blind in one eye
And he can't see out of the other
And the piano-tuner's got a hearing aid
And he showed up with his mother
And the piano has been drinking
The piano has been drinking

Cause the bouncer is a sumo wrestler
Cream puff casper milk toast
And the owner is a mental midget
With the i.q. of a fencepost
Cause the piano has been drinking
The piano has been drinking...

And you can't find your waitress
With a geiger counter
And she hates you and your friends
And you just can't get served
Without her
And the box-office is drooling
And the bar stools are on fire
And the newspapers were fooling
And the ash-trays have retired
The piano has been drinking
The piano has been drinking
The piano has been drinking
Not me, not me, not me, not me, not me